


Not Yours

by sadspockpanda



Category: Star Trek: Discovery, Star Trek: Mirror Universe
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Freeform, Gen, Guilt, POV Second Person, Reminiscing, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-11 08:20:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13520307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadspockpanda/pseuds/sadspockpanda
Summary: You shouldn't have saved her.





	Not Yours

She’s not your Philippa. 

You’ve known this since you first saw her; clad in gold and looking almost angelic. An angel of death, cruelty, and war, but an angel nonetheless. It made your heart stutter, then break all over again.

She looks like your Philippa, but she is not. Her eyes are cold, calculating, trying to stay ten steps ahead even when you’re still twelve steps behind, so thrown off by the ghost of mistakes past that all Vulcan logic Sarek made sure was hammered into your head has completely fled you. Her face is sharper, creased in ways you don’t remember, older, somehow, perhaps from the life of anger and deceit this woman has led, from all the horrible actions and choices that led her to being the Emperor. It hurts to even think about.

But…

When she looks at you…

There’s a flicker of softness, sadness, vulnerability. She cares for you. Well, some version of you. She can’t hide it. And you so desperately want to fill that void in her heart, in her life, that is so obviously there when she says your name. Out of guilt? Perhaps. Or maybe you’re just desperate for someone to love you, even if that someone is the twisted mirror image of the one you betrayed and let die.

She’s not your Philippa.

But when she told you to run, to live, you saw that flash of honor, that flash of humanity and hope that made you love your Philippa. And you let yourself be selfish. You could change her, given the time, given the chance. She _could_ be your Philippa, she just had to be shown the right path! And in your selfishness, your greed, your impulsiveness, your desperate desire to do _right_ by the woman you betrayed, you forced her to join you in your universe.

But…

She wanted to die. To die on her terms, with her definition of honor. And you didn’t let her. You betrayed her again. You promised her you’d never betray her again. You can feel the rage as she asks you what you’ve done.

“I saved you.” _I couldn’t watch you die again._

“You’ve robbed me of my will. I have no place here.”

“...You could.” It’s a lie. She knows it. You know it. Saving her won’t bring your old Captain back. Saving her life won’t save her soul, her morality… whatever of that remains.

She’s not your Philippa.

She never will be.

You have to remember that. For her sake. For the crew’s sake. For your own.

She’s not your Philippa.

She’s not your Philippa.

She’s not your Philippa.

_“Michael…”_

But maybe...


End file.
